I wish I knew how
to handle this
These thoughts are
climbing through my
mind. Trying to
break through & be
set free to cause
destruction, confusion,
and mayhem.
I say a silent prayer
to God to not let
these things be.
I’m not this person
I can’t be…
Can I?

I cry out in anguish
as wave after wave
of my thoughts cause
visions to appear before
my eyes.
I thrash &writhe
on the bed as the visions
keep a stronghold on
my soul
“God, please help me!” I scream
Suddenly, there is a stillness
in the room.
Peace envelopes my aching soul
and the visions disappear.
the dark thoughts leave me.
I hear a faint whisper “You’re
my child, and this shall not be. Sleep
my child. I won’t be far away.”
Serenity envelopes my heart
as my eyelids lower, I thank God
for giving me peace at last.

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What happens when Mr. Right isn’t exactly Mr. Right?

What happens when he’s not all you thought he would be?

Do you give up?

Throw in the towel? Or just work with what you have?

Do you go in search of someone else that can meet your expectations?

What if he just pretends that he’s all you want him to be?

Then one day you wake up and see that you really do not know him

just what he wanted you to see.

Then you go back after Mr. Almost Right but it’s too late because

he’s got his Mrs. Right.

So was it really worth it to go searching for something that you

already had but just didn’t really recognize it because you were too

focused on what he didn’t have?



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Your lips touch mine
and I find it hard to breathe.
I suck in a lungful of air but it does nothing
to tame my desire for you.

You drink from my mouth greedily
and I hold on tightly
Hoping that this fire between us
doesn’t consume me.

I love how your passion
embraces me. Like a tidal
wave, it knocks me over

and floods every part of me.

Oh, let me count the ways of your gentle

strokes across my skin and your tender

caresses on my body. I’m slowly drowning

in a sea of ecstasy…No need to save me.

I will happily drown as long as you

 are right here next to me.

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Looking into your eyes
I feel you see right
through my FACADE
of bitterness and loneliness.

You dig deep to the innermost
parts of ME
To the woman who
begs to be loved
without conditions.

I long to show you
the real ME but I’m afraid.
Afraid you will disappoint ME.
Afraid you will make ME regret
opening my heart to you.

My whole being desires to be YOURS,
To be filled with every part of you.
But how can I let YOU in, when my mind
is at war with my heart?

How can I let you love ME,
when I’m afraid you’ll shatter ME?
Then who will be there to pick up the pieces of ME….

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More Than Just Friends (Part 4)

Rae woke up to Derrick tracing small circles on her back. It was only mid-afternoon and she’d slept like she was exhausted. She smiled inwardly. Technically she was after their continuous lovemaking. She turned her head to meet his eyes. Her heart did a little pitter patter when he smiled at her. God, I love this man so much, she thought.
She returned the smile. “Hey.”
He kissed her lips softly. “Hey gorgeous. How was your nap?”
She stretched. “It was really good. Thanks.”
He chuckled. “I know. You snored a little.”
She scrunched her nose. “No, I didn’t.”
He shrugged, as if he had some little secret. “Okay.”
He’s serious. She groaned and covered her face. “Oh my God. I am so embarrassed.”
“Why? It’s not the first time. I just never said anything.”
Her mouth dropped open. “What?!?”
He chuckled. “Rae, come on. It doesn’t matter. I love you. Besides, it’s a soft snore. Nothing major at all.”
She snorted. “Yeah, nothing major to you.”
“Come here.” He reached for her and pulled her to his chest. “I love you and I don’t care. Do you hear me loud and clear?”
“Yes, I hear you.”
“Good.” He laid her head on his chest and caressed her hair. He was content just being near her.
“Derrick?” She said softly.
“Yeah, baby?”
She swallowed hard. “About what you said downstairs…when you said you wanted us to be together for a long time…what did you mean?”
He sighed. He should have known that she would bring it back up. He decided to tell her what was in his heart. “Raquel, I can see myself with you forever. This isn’t just a fling for me. I want you to know that. Forever does include marriage but I know you are not ready for that. I can wait as long as you want me to, baby.”
Her heart was pounding so hard she was certain he could hear it. He wanted to marry her. She fought back the tears that threatened to spill over. “How do you know I’m not ready, Derrick?”
His hand stilled in her hair and his pulse hammered. “Rae, what are you saying?”
She lifted her head to look into his eyes. “Answer my question first, Derrick.”
“I just figured since we are just starting out that you would want to take it slow.”
An arched eyebrow rose. “Did you ask me if I wanted to take it slow?”
Now that he thought about, he hadn’t. He just assumed. “I guess I didn’t.”
She stared at him for a long moment then spoke. “Ask me, Derrick.” She said softly
His mouth was suddenly dry. He had never asked a woman to marry him. Rae would be the first and only woman he ever proposed to. “Just wait one second.” He lifted her gently so he could get out of the bed. He went to his armoire and pulled out a box that he had for the last couple of weeks. When he saw this ring in Jared’s, he thought it would fit Rae perfectly. He had it sized for her and engraved. He took a deep breath and walked back over to her. He pulled her to a standing position.
He got down on one knee. “Raquel, I bought this in hopes that you would want to marry me someday. Now I know I’m not the perfect guy but I promise that you will always be loved and cherished. I promise that you will be the only woman I ever love and be in love with. Would you Raquel Simone Williams do me the honor of becoming my wife?”
She smiled through her tears. “Derrick. I can’t believe you. She took a deep breath to calm the butterflies in her stomach. “Yes, yes, yes, I will marry you!” She held out her left hand so that he could slide the ring onto her finger. Her breath hitched when she saw how beautiful it was….A princess cut diamond with a ting of green in the center…her favorite color.
He stood. “What do you think? Do you like it?”
She shook her head. “No. I love it.”
He smiled. “I’m glad that you are taken with it.”
“How long have you had it?”
He shrugged. “About two weeks.”
She smiled. “So you’d already planned to propose?”
“Yeah, eventually. Since you insisted, I did it tonight. Naked might I add.”
She chuckled. “Hey, I like you naked.” She teased and wrapped her arms around his waist. She stood on tiptoe and pressed a kiss to his lips. “I can’t wait to have forever with you.”
His eyes twinkled. “Oh yeah? When do you want to start planning the wedding?”
“As soon as possible.” She purred in his ear.
He groaned. “Now that’s what I’m talking about.” He said and pulled her into a mind-blowing kiss.
Four glorious weeks had passed since Derrick had proposed to her. Ever since then she’d been caught up in their wedding plans. She loved it but at the same time she was completely exhausted. She wished she hadn’t called Teri, her best girlfriend and Derrick’s first cousin to tell her she was engaged. She’d told almost the whole family and ever since then things had been super busy. She barely had time to see Derrick between work, exercise, and making more plans for her wedding. She sighed heavily. She just wanted a tiny itty bitty break. As of right now she had turned all her phones off and the drapes closed. She couldn’t make herself move this morning. Derrick had called but she didn’t feel like talking just yet.
Her mind was in a whirlwind and to top it off, her head hurt and her bladder was unsettled. For the last week, she had felt the need to vomit but nothing ever happened so she just shrugged it off. Thinking it was just exhaustion. But now…she wasn’t certain at all. Her stomach began to heave and this time she was sure she was about to vomit. Oh no, she thought. Somehow she pushed herself out of bed and scrambled to her bathroom. She’d barely made it to the toilet before everything she’d eaten the night before poured out of her mouth. What the hell is going on? She wondered. When she was done, she tried to get up but failed. Her head felt funny….almost lightheaded… She tried again and managed to stand on shaky legs. Her vision became less clear as she tried to walk and she tried to hold onto something to keep her balance but everything seemed out of reach. Tripping over something, she fell to the tiled floor and hit her head hard….She moaned in anguish “Derrick” She whispered then blackness engulfed her vision.
For the umpteenth time, Derrick called his fiancée. He really wanted to see her but he knew she might be tired from all the wedding planning. So, he decided to settle on hearing her rich, sultry voice this morning. She should have answered by now. Something just wasn’t right, he thought. Sirens pulled him out if his thoughts. They were close by. God, please no. He ran to his door and yanked it open. He flew down the steps to Raquel’s house. He saw his cousin outside of Rae’s house crying hysterically.
He grabbed her by her arms. “Teri, what’s happened? Where is Rae?”
“Derrick, I couldn’t wake her up. She wasn’t answering her phone so I came over to see about her and found her on the floor of her bathroom. She wouldn’t wake up! I called for an ambulance.” She cried
His heart thundered in his chest. All the blood drained from his face. No, no, no, his mind screamed. He couldn’t lose her. He ran into the house and into Rae’s bathroom. “Raquel!” He shouted. He went to her side. “Baby, please, you have to wake up. You can’t leave me. Not now. Please.” He pleaded but it was useless. She couldn’t hear him. When she still didn’t move, he lifted her into her arms. He held her tightly to him and noticed she was still breathing. He hadn’t bothered to check if she was breathing before. He had never been so happy to see the rise and fall of her chest. Kissing her forehead lightly, he carried her through the living room and outside. The ambulance pulled up just as he stepped off the porch. He didn’t want to let her go…to let her slip away from him but he had to let the EMT’s do their job.
“Do you know what happened to her sir?”
“No. She was on the floor of her bathroom so she may have hurt her head but I can’t be sure.” He said softly
The man nodded. “Okay. We will take care of her. Can I get a name?”
“Yeah. Raquel Whitfield.”
“Sir, we can take her.”
He gently handed her over to the EMT and walked behind him to the ambulance. He looked over his shoulder to talk to his cousin. “Teri, you can follow us to the hospital.”
She nodded. “Okay.”
He nodded and hurriedly climbed into the ambulance.
Rae moaned softly. God, my head hurts, she thought. Where the hell am I? She slowly opened her eyes. She was in a bed and at least three machines were beeping around her. A hospital? What am I doing here? She wondered. Then it hit her. The vomiting…The fall she’d taken…Someone must’ve found her unconscious. She groaned loudly. Dammit. She must have fallen pretty hard to be in a hospital. She surveyed her room and noticed someone sleeping in the chair next to her bed….Derrick. He was sleeping so peacefully and she hated to wake him. Before she could get the chance, someone knocked on the door and stuck their head inside.
“Is it safe to come in?” Stephen asked with a grin
She smiled. “Sure. Come in.” Before she knew it all of Derrick’s brothers burst through the door waking Derrick. Stephen, James, Rafe, and Zane were all a piece of work. Stephen was the youngest of the five, James the second eldest, and Rafe was the middle child. She loved them all like they were her blood brothers.
“So, are you doing okay? You gave us all a scare.” Stephen said
She blew out a breath. “I hope so, Stephen.” She let her gaze travel to Derrick. His dark eyes studied her and a frowned marred his features. She let out a tremulous breath that she hadn’t been aware she was holding.
Stephen glanced at Derrick and then back at Rae. He cleared his throat. “Um, maybe we should let you two have a moment.”
“Why?” Zane asked
Rafe elbowed him in the side. “Zane now is not the time for your rude candor. Let’s go.”
Raquel watched as they all filed out of the room together. She and Derrick were alone. Her gaze traveled back to his. “Derrick, I—
He held up his hand. “Just stop, please. Rae, you scared the hell out of me today.” He stood up from his chair and walked over to stand beside her.
“Derrick, I’m sorry. I had no idea this would happen. I— He cut her off with a kiss. She moaned when his tongue slid over hers. All too quickly, the kiss was over.
“I love you so much, Rae. I felt like I couldn’t breathe when I saw you lying there. I’m just so grateful that you’re alive and well. Imagining life without you is not something I want to contemplate on.”
Before she could speak, someone else knocked on her door. Dammit, she was trying to talk here. He kissed her softly. “Come in.”
“Raquel, I’m Doctor Stevens. It’s nice to finally see you awake.”
“Thank you. Is everything alright?”
“Well, Raquel, you hit your head pretty hard so you have a concussion. However, within the next day or so you should be much better. The next thing I’m about to tell you is serious.
Rae’s eyes widened. “What? Please tell me.”
Dr. Stevens cleared his throat. “Raquel, we took some blood while you were unconscious. We wanted to make sure there weren’t any complications in your bloodstream. We found out what may have caused you to faint. You’re going to be a mother, Raquel.”
She shook her head. She must be hearing things. “Come again, doc?”
Dr. Stevens chuckled. “You’re pregnant, Raquel.”
“I’m what?! Pregnant?!” She shouted. How could this be? She wondered. She was on birth control.
“How far a long is she Doctor Stevens?” Derrick suddenly asked.
“About two weeks, give or take.” He responded.
Derrick nodded. “Thanks Doctor.”
“I’m going to leave you two alone. Raquel we should have you out of here in an hour or so.”
Once they were alone, Derrick sat beside her. “Rae, talk to me, baby.”
She felt like she couldn’t breathe. “Derrick, I’m freaking out. I don’t know how to be a mother. We are not even married yet. I mean, what are we supposed to do!”
Derrick pulled her into his arms and held her close to his heart. “Rae, slow down. It’s fine. Things just happened sooner than we anticipated.”
“But how, Derrick? I don’t even remember not taking my birth control pill. I—“She stopped abruptly as a memory surfaced. The day they had fallen asleep on his patio. She’d forgotten to take it that day. She’d been so embarrassed about his mother catching them that she dressed quickly and went running.
Derrick caressed her cheek. “Rae, what is it?”
“I didn’t take my pill the day your mother caught us you know—. I forgot.” She looked down at her hands.
He tilted her face up to meet his eyes. “I’m happy that you’re having my baby. Don’t you know that?”
She could tell that he was happy. This had just thrown her a little. She would love nothing more than to have his children. “I know you are. I am too. I’m sorry if it seems like I’m not. I just didn’t expect this.”
He smiled. “I didn’t either. I love you. Have I told you that?” He whispered
She smiled. “Yeah, once or twice.” She teased.
His gaze turned serious for a moment. “Please don’t scare me like that again. You have to get some rest and eat, baby. I need you and my baby around. Understood?”
She gave him a mock salute. “Yes, sir.”
He laughed heartily. “Rae, you are not like anyone else I know. You’re unique and I love that about you.”
She wrapped her arms around his neck. “Hmm, what else do you love?”
“Cut it out. We’re in a hospital.” He protested, although his body was betraying him.
“That never stopped you before.” She purred in his ear
True, but they needed to control themselves. At least for now. “I’ll make you a deal. If you can behave yourself until we get out of here then when we get home, I’ll give you whatever you want.”
She looked down at his erection for a long time before speaking. “You’re on mister. It’s a deal.”
Suddenly, he couldn’t wait to get the hell up out of this hospital.

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